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Archive for the ‘Dilemma’ Category

Oh a whim this evening, I took a look at my university’s job listing website.  I’ve never found it all that useful in the past, as there aren’t very many postings near my hometown for use in the summers when looking for jobs/internships.  However, now that I pretty much have the opportunity to do anything I want, anywhere I want, I don’t mind looking at job offerings all around the country.

Except…  Most of the offerings are either for business school students or teach-English-abroad type jobs.  Granted, our business school is one of the top in the country, and granted, most post-grad jobs that are offered this early in the year are business-type jobs, but I had still hoped for a bit more variety.  Alas, it was not to be.

But all is not lost.  I was encouraged that there was a spread of locations for the jobs being offered.  Granted, there were very few outside of my university’s state, DC, and NYC, but there were some.  And I’m hoping that come spring, when hopefully the job postings will increase, there will be even more around the country.

And I think I might want to live somewhere that my family doesn’t.  Somewhere along the east coast would be ideal, but I wouldn’t say no to so California sun!

It is scary to consider where I might be a year from now, but also thrilling, but terrifying, but awesome, but AHHH!

Time to stop thinking about this gigantic thing that I can do nothing about before I really work myself into a tizzy!

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Happy November!

It’s November 1, meaning it’s the start of both NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, where people attempt to write 50,000 words of a novel in one month) and NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month, where bloggers attempt to post at least once everyday).  I’m definitely not doing the former – I’m having enough issues with my thesis as it is, thankyouverymuch – but I am flirting with the idea of doing NaBloPoMo, which is part of the reason I’m posting this, to give myself a boost.

The other reason I’m posting this is that I have something to post about.

I’m thinking it’s kind of a cool idea to make a huge goal for oneself for just one month, rather than New Year’s resolutions for the whole year that no one keeps.

I’ve actually been thinking a good deal recently about setting personal goals, and how to keep them when you have no one to answer to but yourself, or even if you do have someone else to answer to, you don’t care if you fail.  I guess it never works the same for any two people, but how do you figure out what works for you?  How do you develop some sort of system that works for yourself?  Particularly when you know that it’s simply a goal for you to set up a system, yet because you don’t have a system, you have no way or motivation or self responsibility to set one up?  If that makes sense….

I know this is more… existential, if you will, than most of my posts.  But I’ve been thinking, so I thought I’d post and see if teh interwebs had any thoughts…

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Curse You, Thesis!

Well, first of all, I cracked 30 pages on my thesis last week!  Yey me!  But this week I need to crack 40–at the very least!–and I totally had a plan for that, I swear!  But, as always, I got sidetracked by a million and one other things, and so have not written a single word thus far.  Well, actually I did a touch of research last night and took a few notes, but that doesn’t count.

However, I did not come here to vent about my writing woes, but rather about how writing takes me away from other things, like looking into what the H-E-double hockey sticks I’m going to do after I graduate in, oh, 6 months, give or take a few weeks.

So today, my daily blog reading started me on a very dangerous path, which of course I followed.  I can’t even remember what the original post was, but I’ve followed the path for about 2 hours now, and it’s giving me all of these crazy ideas about things I should be doing right now, as in right this instance, to build up some sort of a portfolio of something for post-grad, even though I’m not sure where I will be or what I’ll be doing then.

Basically, the path is certain ways to make a living online, though not through scams, of course, but rather legitimate ways of having a career that is based online.  Which sounds rather ideal to li’l ol’ introverted me who never wants to live in a big city, yet appears to have interests in careers that are almost solely based in big cities (*cough* publishing *cough*).

Now, I’m most likely not going to actually do any of the specific careers that these articles/blogs/forums/videos that I have discovered suggest, but they are giving me some interesting ideas for other options I might want to consider.  And I want to consider them, I really do!

But, I need to do my thesis!

But, isn’t my future more important than my thesis?

But I won’t have a future if I don’t finish my thesis, causing me to not graduate…

But my mother is encouraging me to take a semester off anyway

But who takes a semester off when they only have one semester of college left?

But what does this all have to do with following career paths?

AHHHH

Me, myself, and I are very good debaters.  It’s rather dangerous and time-consuming.

So, in short, I know I need to write my thesis, and I should just sit down, write 5 pages tonight, and 5 tomorrow, and be done with the 10 pages for this week, and then I can concentrate on these other fun paths.

Except.

I have another 10 pages I need to do for next week.

And then I have to start editing this monstrosity in earnest.

ooo, maybe I’ll watch The Importance of Being Earnest!

No!  Curse you, fabulous movies!

I am going to write my thesis tonight.

After I follow this path a little further…

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In Which I Stray

Recently, I have been increasingly frustrated with academia.  For the longest time, I have sworn up and down that I was going to stay in academia for as long as possible, wanting to go to grad school for a million different topics, not to mention law school and business school if ever the opportunity arose.  I wanted to be a lifelong learner in as many topics as humanly possible.  I wanted to be The Librarian.

This semester, however, I started writing my thesis, have slightly fallen out of love with it, and have grown increasingly annoyed with certain classes that I loved just last semester.  I have started itching to graduate, wondering if my decision not to graduate a semester early was really the right choice.

And tonight I realized why: I have strayed.

I started college expecting to be an English major.  Well, either that or a Classics major.  Somewhere along the way, however, I found a new advisor, created my own thesis, and have wandered down the path of the social sciences.  Which is nice.  But not good enough for me.

My thesis advisor is a rhetoric and communications professor and has naturally therefore pushed me – gently! – towards that area, and, being the type of person that does not like to disappoint, I went, willingly.

And for a while, I loved it!  Here were all the ideas about technology and the internet that I had always wanted to discuss!  Here were people who were passionate about communication and the internet!  These were the people I had sought for so long!

However, the honeymoon is over.  I’m done.  Communications is far too wishy-washy for me.  There are so many different, often conflicting theories that can all be right and wrong at the same time.  Nothing is concrete.  And everyone seems to want to just talk about their personal experiences, which is all well and good for a time, but there comes a point, for me at least, where I would like to actually discuss something a bit more concrete.  While I admit there is a place in academia and learning in general for personal stories, I don’t think the focus should be on them.  And my professor certainly isn’t helping in that regard.

But anyway!  Tonight…

Tonight, on a whim, I went to a lecture being given by a professor from another school, in another state.  This woman is an English professor specializing in children’s literature, and is a strong feminist, a fact which influences her work greatly.  She has recently published a book about women’s narratives, which was the main topic tonight.  There was also a Q&A session after, which covered a plethora of topics.

And I realized that I loved this.  I love talking about literature and how it affects our lives!  I love the humanities!  Take me back!  Why oh why did I stray?!

So it’s a little too late to switch over to being an English major, but at least now I know that I will not be taking a single class in the social sciences next semester.  And if I hint that I will stray again, I will rely on you, my dear, dear friends, to ensure that that does. not. happen!  For the sake of my happiness (and yours, if you don’t like hearing me complain!), this is all I ask of you.

I have been revitalized, but I realize that it is merely momentary.  I am still stuck in a social sciences class and shall have to make the best of it for another 2 months and change.

Blargh.

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Sing with me!  We got cabin fever!  We got cabin fever!

Well, it’s not actually fun as all that.  Hélas!

It wasn’t very long ago that I was totally loving being back at school, swearing I never wanted to leave.  Just yesterday, in fact!

But today?

Today I’ve been chomping at the bit, feeling claustrophobic and tied up.  Classes and work are fine (probably since I’m engaged and actively accomplishing stuff), it’s just my “off” time that is feeling so grating.

Normally, I’m a total homebody, loving routine and comfort.  But every once in a while, I get this bug.

This bug that screams “GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

This bug that makes me push my friends away because I can’t stand to have anyone even stand near me, let alone try to make inane, daily conversation.

This bug that drives me out of my room to the library at 10 o’clock at night, just to escape the walls that are closing in.

This bug that makes me want to just say, “eff it all, I just don’t care anymore”.

I’m pretty sure I’m feeling this way because I have so much work to do on my thesis, and I just can’t seem to get started.  I tried this morning, and it took me an hour to get three sentences written.  Granted, that’s at least something, but in the long run?  Nada.

The obvious answer is just to sit down an DO IT, but I am almost at the hair-pulling-out, ranting-and-raving-like-a-lunatic-at-the-top-of-my-lungs, sobbing-like-a-maniac stage.

I know I just need to take it in chunks.

I know I just need to sit down and write, and if it’s crap, who cares?  At least it’s something to start with.

I know that I’m making it worse for myself.

But I’m stuck.

And open to suggestions?  Please?

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Lessons of Me

Since returning to school, I have had a bit of time to do some self-reflections, and I am yet again amazed at how much I love being at school.  I mean, every summer (and Christmas break!) since I arrived at college has been spent with me wanting to be back at school so much, and then when I finally return, I am happier than I could ever imagine!

Some people have suggested that it’s because el boyo is here, but it really isn’t that (sorry!).

I just love learning.

I love discussing things with others, whether they be peers, or authority figures, or high schoolers.

And college is the only place that I can think of where that is truly, purely, possible.  You can have a conversation with anyone about anything, and you can actually learn something new every single day.  And it’s not just about one topic, but rather every topic you can imagine, and many that you cannot.

And the people!  Oh, the people.

I have spent the last couple of days with people that have never really met me before, and they all think me an extrovert, even though I am most definitely an introvert in the vast majority of situations.  But here at school, I am a senior, and therefore pretty much know what is going on, and I just have this fantastic confidence thing going on that I have never really seen so fully in myself before.  And it enables me to talk to people so much more than I would in any other situation.  And so I meet people, I learn things, and it is amazing!

The only slight problem is that I still am very much an introvert, and therefore am unsure of how to continue such things outside these situations.  Anyone have any suggestions?

Anyway, another slight problem is that I simply love discussing academic type things, and have approximately zero use for the celebrity gossip and other such nonsense that generally fills the silences.  And I know others want to relax and talk about other things, but this is my way of relaxing.  And I think I’ve found a few people who are sort of like that, but not really.  And so it’s hard to keep talking when they feel the academic discussions have been fully covered.

And I’m rambling again, as I tend to do when I get excited about a topic…

So I am left yet again with searching for a path to follow post-graduation that will allow me to continue to be around other intelligent, amazing people, who think that chatting about academic things is fun.  Except I don’t want to be cornered into just one area of study/interest.  Any suggestions?

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My To-Read List!

I’ve been tagging reviews in Google Reader for a while now, but need inspiration to actually go back and read the books that sound good, so here is my official to-read list! (NB: All links are to the review that inspired me)

So many amazing books to choose from!  Anyone else want to help me pare this down by recommending one over the others?  Of course the fact that at least one hasn’t even been released yet helps…  But still, help?

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