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Archive for the ‘Stress’ Category

Just a Quick Update…

… to let you all know that I am alive, if not quite well.

I spent 2 hours at the health center today to discover I have bronchitis, and orders to go straight to the emergency room if I feel any worse.

And did I mention that I have a paper due tomorrow on a rather complex subject that I cannot even  wrap my head around at the moment?  At least it’s only 5-7 pages, of which I have, oh, half a page written.

And did I mention that after this week, exams start?

And then I get to go home for the first time since August!  Yey!

But still, worst week ever to get sick?  I think so.

Hope you all are well and had a great Thanksgiving!  Any fun happenings over the brief vacation?

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I had decided that if I could get through one week of blogging every single day, then I was going to officially declare myself part of NaBloPoMo (i.e. National Blog Posting Month), except, as you probably can tell, that failed miserably.  But it’s ok, because it’s encouraged me to return to this blog and post even though I am so sporadic, and barely have the time or inclination to write for school.

So, to recap my life that derailed my NaBloPoMo aspirations:

This past weekend was homecoming.  I went to the homecoming formal on Thursday with my roomie and el boyo.  I’ve gone with el boyo every single year, but this is the first year roomie has come.  Except roomie made us promise that we wouldn’t be all “couple-y” all night, which I took to mean that the occasional dance together was fine, but that we couldn’t be all lovey-dovey for the entire night.  However, I soon found out that she meant that we weren’t allowed to be couple-y for any part of the entire night.  Um, no.  Not happening.  I don’t do ‘modern’ dancing, aka dancing by myself, just swaying to the music.  I like dancing with a partner, as does el boyo.  And we happen to have a lot of fun swing dancing.  So no, I will not not be ‘couple-y’ with my boyfriend if it means I can’t dance with him at all during our senior year homecoming formal.  Screw you.  And yes, I do understand that it isn’t much fun to be a 3rd wheel, but you had other people there to hang out with, and it’s just not fair to put such limits on us.

Anyway.  That was Thursday.  On Friday, we had an awesome bonfire–first one in the school’s recent history (or full history, I’m not sure).  We even burned the other team’s mascot.  And promptly lost the game the next day.  Which I did not go to, because I had to work on my thesis.  Even though I ended up actually playing games on my computer all afternoon, only starting to edit my thesis about an hour before my keepers were due back.  And then we went out to dinner, and I don’t even really remember the rest of the night.  Oh yea, we watched some West Wing, and did some homework on a Saturday night because…

… Sunday was tech!  Roomie and I are both dressing for the current play that opens on Thursday, I believe.  Dressing means we’re in charge of costumes and getting actors in and out of the right costumes at the right time, in a timely fashion.  And since there are only 2 changes, and 8 cast members total, it’s a fairly easy gig.  Which is why, despite the fact that we were technically at tech from noon to midnight, I was able to work for 5 straight hours on editing my thesis.

Which was actually rather awesome for me, since I was able to email my professor a 38-page document, with only one hiccup, and no notes-to-self or outline pieces in sight!  And I have a plan to smooth out that hiccup (which is just a section that has been waiting to be written for oh, 3 months now) and rewrite my introduction and write a conclusion and have a full draft done by the end of the week, which is amazing!  Except, that means I actually have to figure out what everything that I’ve been writing about actually means.  Why it’s important.  Why anyone should care to read this ridiculous thing.  And at the moment, I don’t even care to read the whole thing, so it ain’t boding well…

So there you have it.  Life as I know it.  Oh, and regular class and my two jobs.  And rehearsals and performances for the aforementioned play all through the next 2 weeks.  And then Thanksgiving.  And then a week of classes.  And then exams.  And then the second-to-last semester of my college career is finished.  Uhoh….

Oh, and did I mention that a friend of mine landed a job at Random House for post-grad?  Lucky bastard…  Not that I’m jealous or anything…

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… or rather, I should be…

This post is going to be rather short tonight (and not just because I actually just typed that as ‘this short is going to be rather post tonight’) because I have quite the task in front of me.

I have to compose a few lines in Latin.  And not just any Latin, but Senecan Latin.  For those of you unfamiliar with Neronian literature, composing Senecan Latin is something like a German student composing in Shakespearian English.  Except the word order is more like word salad, and it’s not in iambic pentameter.

So wish me luck, fair bloggy friends, for I fear I shall not survive this lethal assignation.

Update: A mere 2 hours later (give or take…), I have translated the approximate ideas of my (currently 40-page) thesis into 5 lines of Senecan-lite Latin!  Huzzah!

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Last week, during a regular meeting with my thesis advisor, he told me that even though there are about two months left in the semester, I only have until the end of October to finish writing my thesis.  He needs a month to revise it after that, so that it can be done by finals week in December, since he’s heading out on sabbatical the instant the semester ends.

My response?  Oh joy.

So, I have been stressing myself to death trying to work on this stupid-yet-cool-yet-annoying thesis.  And it’s still coming very very slowly.

I think this has definitely helped me realize that grad school is not right for me.  If I can’t even write a 50-or-so page thesis, how can I even think about writing one that is a few hundred pages?

I just keep telling myself that it will be wonderful next semester when I am totally finished with it (except for the minor part where I have to present it at the student research symposium in the spring!).  The bad news is that there is only one class that I am kinda interested in taking next semester; the selection is the worst I’ve seen in all my four years here!  And it’s the one semester where I don’t have to worry about taking anything for my major; I can take fun classes!  But none of them are fun!  Arg!  And yes, part of the problem is that I’m not sure I know how to take “fun” classes – the one “fun” class I’m planning on taking is a junior/senior seminar in English – and I’m not an English major, or even minor!

The upside to all this is that I have honed my procrastination skills: my inbox is empty for the first time in months, as is my Google Reader.  My work for other classes has also been finished earlier than the night before!

And on that note, that literary/editing class project I mentioned a while ago?  Where we get to start our own literary magazine?  Well, it’s been started!  We  present you Gambol!  We would love, love, love any submissions!  We do plan on continuing this after the semester is over, so it is a legit magazine, not just a short-term school project!  Also, any advice/suggestions for the site are welcome, as it is still in the development stage!

As you might be able to tell, I have been spending far too much time working on Gambol and not enough on my thesis, since the former is so much more fun than the latter!

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In Which I Stray

Recently, I have been increasingly frustrated with academia.  For the longest time, I have sworn up and down that I was going to stay in academia for as long as possible, wanting to go to grad school for a million different topics, not to mention law school and business school if ever the opportunity arose.  I wanted to be a lifelong learner in as many topics as humanly possible.  I wanted to be The Librarian.

This semester, however, I started writing my thesis, have slightly fallen out of love with it, and have grown increasingly annoyed with certain classes that I loved just last semester.  I have started itching to graduate, wondering if my decision not to graduate a semester early was really the right choice.

And tonight I realized why: I have strayed.

I started college expecting to be an English major.  Well, either that or a Classics major.  Somewhere along the way, however, I found a new advisor, created my own thesis, and have wandered down the path of the social sciences.  Which is nice.  But not good enough for me.

My thesis advisor is a rhetoric and communications professor and has naturally therefore pushed me – gently! – towards that area, and, being the type of person that does not like to disappoint, I went, willingly.

And for a while, I loved it!  Here were all the ideas about technology and the internet that I had always wanted to discuss!  Here were people who were passionate about communication and the internet!  These were the people I had sought for so long!

However, the honeymoon is over.  I’m done.  Communications is far too wishy-washy for me.  There are so many different, often conflicting theories that can all be right and wrong at the same time.  Nothing is concrete.  And everyone seems to want to just talk about their personal experiences, which is all well and good for a time, but there comes a point, for me at least, where I would like to actually discuss something a bit more concrete.  While I admit there is a place in academia and learning in general for personal stories, I don’t think the focus should be on them.  And my professor certainly isn’t helping in that regard.

But anyway!  Tonight…

Tonight, on a whim, I went to a lecture being given by a professor from another school, in another state.  This woman is an English professor specializing in children’s literature, and is a strong feminist, a fact which influences her work greatly.  She has recently published a book about women’s narratives, which was the main topic tonight.  There was also a Q&A session after, which covered a plethora of topics.

And I realized that I loved this.  I love talking about literature and how it affects our lives!  I love the humanities!  Take me back!  Why oh why did I stray?!

So it’s a little too late to switch over to being an English major, but at least now I know that I will not be taking a single class in the social sciences next semester.  And if I hint that I will stray again, I will rely on you, my dear, dear friends, to ensure that that does. not. happen!  For the sake of my happiness (and yours, if you don’t like hearing me complain!), this is all I ask of you.

I have been revitalized, but I realize that it is merely momentary.  I am still stuck in a social sciences class and shall have to make the best of it for another 2 months and change.

Blargh.

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Sing with me!  We got cabin fever!  We got cabin fever!

Well, it’s not actually fun as all that.  Hélas!

It wasn’t very long ago that I was totally loving being back at school, swearing I never wanted to leave.  Just yesterday, in fact!

But today?

Today I’ve been chomping at the bit, feeling claustrophobic and tied up.  Classes and work are fine (probably since I’m engaged and actively accomplishing stuff), it’s just my “off” time that is feeling so grating.

Normally, I’m a total homebody, loving routine and comfort.  But every once in a while, I get this bug.

This bug that screams “GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

This bug that makes me push my friends away because I can’t stand to have anyone even stand near me, let alone try to make inane, daily conversation.

This bug that drives me out of my room to the library at 10 o’clock at night, just to escape the walls that are closing in.

This bug that makes me want to just say, “eff it all, I just don’t care anymore”.

I’m pretty sure I’m feeling this way because I have so much work to do on my thesis, and I just can’t seem to get started.  I tried this morning, and it took me an hour to get three sentences written.  Granted, that’s at least something, but in the long run?  Nada.

The obvious answer is just to sit down an DO IT, but I am almost at the hair-pulling-out, ranting-and-raving-like-a-lunatic-at-the-top-of-my-lungs, sobbing-like-a-maniac stage.

I know I just need to take it in chunks.

I know I just need to sit down and write, and if it’s crap, who cares?  At least it’s something to start with.

I know that I’m making it worse for myself.

But I’m stuck.

And open to suggestions?  Please?

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I’m Alive!

I swear!  Here’s a quick list of reasons why I have not been blogging recently, which shall perhaps simultaneously serve as a list of potential future topics for this here blog:

  • El boyo came to visit for a week, and, having not seen him in a few months, I was loath to spend any time away from him that was not absolutely necessary (he left Tuesday)
  • Registration is fast approaching, and I have 50 little freshpeeps who are hanging onto my every word of advice for how to game the system (read: I had 50 phone calls to make in the past week, and I still have about 10 who have refused to answer any of the three phone messages I have left them – and registration is Monday!) (and did I mention that I hate talking on the phone – but I discovered that I’m actually not bad at it!  Yey me!)
  • I got sick.  And I never get sick.  But of course I go to the doctor for my yearly check-up, and they discover that I have a fever, so what I thought was just allergies was actually an actual illness!  Maybe I should pay more attention to my body…
  • Oh, and I had to do some research in there, because I had a book or two through Inter-Library Loan that were due with no chance of renewals, so I kinda had to read them

So yea, I’ve been busy.  And I’m starting to freak out more and more about my research, since I love putting tons of unnecessary pressure on myself in that department.  So yea, no time to do anything fun.

In fact, looking back over the summer, I don’t think I’ve had a single stress-free day.  Even at the beach or with el boyo, I’ve freaked out/feeling guilty about advising or research at least once a day.  Sad really.  I need to work on that…  Actually, once registration is finished Monday, all I have to worry about is research (which is a lot to worry about, granted).

But I do have books that I want to read and review, as well as fanfic!  Huzzah!

All I ask is good vibes sent my way to help me accomplish tangible things in the next week (ish).  Love!

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